Friday, December 31, 2010

Hope for a Happy New Year

Today is the last day of 2010, and I haven't posted in awhile. I've got two posts, stuck in the draft process, that I need to get finished, but I just haven't gotten the job done. And today in particular has been a bit of a rough one as far as Kaswyn has been concerned. Well, Kaswyn's ok today, but it's me that's been having issues.

I went to the barn today after being in California for a week visiting with my family. It was a lot of fun, but the whole time I was worried about Kaswyn's leg, and if he was getting out, if he was lame, etc. When I got there today the surgery site didn't look too bad. It's still not healed, but it's not horrible looking.

The shaved area of his skin, however, looked awful. I think all the wrapping gave him some skin crud. I decided to deal with that after I rode him. I was going to lunge him first to check soundness, but there were two people waiting to lunge (it's hard to ride when two people are lunging) so I just hopped on.

I completely tacked him up, and he got all excited. Tack = work, and he LOVES to work, so we was impatient in the cross ties as I got his bridle out. He didn't want to stand still when I tightened his girth or pulled down my stirrups, but he stood nicely for me when I mounted. He was a bit full of himself walking, but I couldn't feel any lameness.

Then I asked for the trot. Oh, THERE is the lameness. Got it.

So we just walked for ten minutes. Then I gave that scurfy skin a good scrub and put Nolvasan cream on it. Then I put Dermagel on the surgical wound, and put him away. Then I cleaned my saddle, conditioned it, and put it away.

And when I say that, I mean I put it in my tack locker that isn't with the rest of my brushes and stuff. It's away, in a place where I won't see it all the time. I think it might be there for a long time.

See, I think Kaswyn might be done. He is lame, and he still is hypersensitive on the back of his pastern. I thought maybe that sensitivity was just on the skin, so I tried putting Vagisil on it (it's a powerful topical numbing cream), but that didn't seem to take the pain away. He might be broken forever and that thought just tears me apart.

The whole time I was cleaning his tack I was trying not to cry. And then on the way home I was trying to hold it together. I called Craig to tell him I was on my way home, and he asked how my boy was. I told him he was lame and he could hear the impending tears in my voice. I held it together, but then after we hung up this song came on the radio -

Kind and Generous - by Natalie Merchant

You’ve been so kind and generous
I don’t know how you keep on giving
For your kindness I’m in debt to you
For your selflessness, my admiration
And for everything you’ve done

You know I’m bound…
I’m bound to thank you for it

You’ve been so kind and generous
I don’t know how you keep on giving
For your kindness I’m in debt to you
And I never could have come this far without you
So for everything you’ve done

You know I’m bound…
I’m bound to thank you for it

I want to thank you
For so many gifts
You gave with love and tenderness
I want to thank you

I want to thank you
For your generosity
The love and the honesty
That you gave me

I want to thank you
Show my gratitude
My love and my respect for you
I want to thank you

I want to…

Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you

And, of course, I finally cried.

Not the sniffly, softly tearing crying where someone offers you a tissue. This was hard-core, full on sobbing, can't catch your breath, where someone says "Oh my god, what the hell happened?" Or, "It's not the end of the world, pull yourself together!"

You see, I'm not a crier. I'm not weepy and I certainly don't cry in front of people, not if I can help it. Crying is something I do alone - in the car, in the shower, or locked in the storeroom at work (yes I've done that). So I cried my eyes out and came home. Craig asked how I was and I couldn't even speak. He said "That bad, huh?" and I just nodded.

I ate lunch and thought about Kaswyn. Yes he might be done, but I might also be jumping the gun. the fact is, he's not healed yet and still has some inflammation in the area. When he was at Doc's for those few days and they eliminated all the inflammation, Kaswyn was sound. So maybe, just maybe, once he heals and the inflammation is gone he will be okay.

I got in the shower, and didn't cry. Maybe this will resolve and I just have to be patient. If he's still lame, maybe he won't hurt if I don't ride him much and maybe I'll be able to let the showing and training part of our partnership go.

Maybe there is a chance for Kaswyn and I in 2011.

Oh, and thank you, Kaswyn. I love you.


TankDiveGirl said...

oh Sheri! How difficult!

I read your blog pretty religiously, and I was wondering how Kaswyn was doing... I'm sad to hear he's still in pain, but I hope that it ends up just being the inflammation that's still present and you're still able to ride him, even if you can't show.

I know how much you love him, and I teared up reading your post.

Sending good, healing thoughts to Kaswyn and to you,


Rising Rainbow said...

I hope you're right but whatever happens, you've done the best by him anyone possibly could. He couldn't ask for more.

And you're right, it is early on in his recovery. Don't count Kaswyn out until he's really out. He's an Arabian after all and he has a heart you or I can't even begin to explain or know the depths of. Keep the faith and if you can't, know I'm keeping it right now for both of us.

Anonymous said...

Hi Sheri:
So sorry to come back and read about recent events of the past few months. I agree with RR and believe that you shouldn't count Kaswyn out yet. Even if he can't compete like he used to, maybe he can become a wonderful partner for one of your girls. Or even the buddy for a new horse. He is still there waiting for you and I bet he loves your husband and daughters just as much. You know how social Arabians can be. And if he loves to work, just give him a new job that fits his abilities. One thing I have noticed with my own horse is that my daughter likes to ride him but she really likes to go out and have a conversation with him. She likes to visit him and have a talk...I mean this in all seriousness. It's a big stress-buster for her, and I think it's because she's been talking to him since she was 5 years old and now at 10, as life gets more challenging w/ friends and school, she falls back on this relationship she has w/ my horse--guess I should say our horse--and it is a great comfort to her. Maybe Kaswyn can take on a bigger role doing something like this for your family.

Scarlett said...

Yeah, what they said...

And cut yourself some slack - you've been under a helluva lot of stress lately - you needed that cry. Its a bit unnerving to unload like since you're not used to it, but sometimes, you have to let the stress out, or you'll explode.

Its early. Don't borrow trouble.

2011 is going to be good for you. I feel it. We're sending Kaswyn happy healing vibes from Vegas.

Suzi, Rico and Baxter the Dawg.

Ms Martyr said...

I read this post last night and just don't know quite what to say. Don't give up. You have a lot of people sending positive thoughts and prayers for you and Kaswyn. Here's hoping 2011 will see a full recovery.

Dressage Mom said...

Thanks everyone. I'm absorbing all that positive energy! You guys are great. :)

McFawn said...

Agree with everything that's being said. This is far from the end of you and Kaswyn's wonderful story.

achieve1dream said...

I'm sorry you're having to face that possibility. I think you're right though that it's too soon to give up hope. There is still a chance that he could be completely sound. I'll send healing thoughts and prayers for Kaswyn.

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