Sunday, November 23, 2008

The dreams that haunt me

Last night I had a dream about Blair. They don't happen often anymore, but when they do they have a deep and lasting effect on me.

The whole story about Blair starts here.

In the dream I was riding in a car with my brother and his wife. Somehow I had gotten informed that Blair was back and that she'd be having breakfast at this little diner located in the small downtown where I used to live. I didn't really believe that she'd be there, but as we drove by looking for a parking spot I saw her through the large windows of the diner.

She was sitting alone in a booth with her hair in a french braid and her back was towards the door. She had a cup of coffee in one hand, and her head was turned so I could see the side of her face. It looked like she was talking to the cook who was leaning over the order counter, and she was laughing. She didn't look a day older than the last time I saw her 18 years ago.

I gasped and said "Oh my god! She's in there!" I immediately started to cry and freak out. My brother said "Are you sure that was her?" "Yes! Yes! She's there! I can't believe it!"

Then, for some inexplicable reason, we took forever to find a parking spot (instead of just stopping the car and letting me jump out, which would have happened had this been real), and then we went into the pharmacy to pick up a few things. Finally I ran into the diner.

All that was left in the booth was a coffee cup, a folded newspaper, and a tip. I had no way of getting a hold of her. She was gone.

Again, I burst into tears. I sat in the booth and the seat was still warm. I wanted to talk to the cook, but for some reason he wouldn't look at me or even acknowledge that I was there. I walked out.

As is common in my dreams, when I stepped out of the diner I was no longer in the quaint downtown area, but at some dock in a warehouse district. I needed to get a race car for some reason, but all I could find is a scooter. And it was out of gas, so I ended up pushing it down the road. I can't remember much after that but Blair was not involved.

Today I feel so sad. It's not as bad as when she disappeared the first time, but I'm still bothered by it. I'll never see her again. Or will I? The uncertainty sucks. At least I don't "see" her anymore at horse shows. That used to drive me crazy. Although every time I see a beige and brown Ford F250 from the mid 80's my stomach drops to my knees.

I'm also pissed at her. I know that more than one person told her not to go to her ex's house that night, but to meet him in a public place. He had been acting irrational, not just with her but with other people. He had said "If I can't have her nobody will." and "She'll take our daughter over her dead body." Also, a month or so before she disappeared, Blair even said "If she brakes go out on my truck you'll know that my ex did it." and "If something happens to me this person gets this saddle and this person gets that, etc." She saw it coming. Why was she not careful?

Oh well. It's over now. And while I usually try not to think about Blair because it's too painful, I know she will be on my mind a lot for awhile.


4 comments:

Anonymous said...

You know it's almost the anniversary of the day - December 8. The whole nightmare seems to play out around this time every year. Try to get through it. At this point in time, I'm not sure I want the mystery solved. C

Julie said...

This story is sad and confusing, probably frustrating for you as well.

I do have a question . . . How do your parents feel about the horse stuff now? Do they refuse to talk about your horse? Do they feel guilty? Are they supportive?

I had parents who were not supportive of my riding, also.

dressagemom said...

C,

I don't know if I want the mystery solved either. I know that I want what I can't have, which is to have had none of it happen in the first place.

Julie,

My parents certainly don't feel guilty, and they will talk about my horse now. After all these years my father knows my horse's name, and will refer to him as Kaswyn instead of "that damn horse." My mother actually came to Arabian Nationals with me in 2002 with her best buddy Jackie, and they had the best trip. It was also a bonus that Kaswyn was National Champion. That is the most supportive that they have been so far. And the third horse show my mother ever went to.

Anyhow, I would like more support but I don't really need it. I accept that it's something they don't like, and I do it anyway. I only hold it against them a teeny bit. :)

Rising Rainbow said...

i'm sorry about your dream. I know how disturbing this is for you.

I hope you and yours all had a nice Thanksgiving.

 
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