Guilt

People keep asking me how my horse is doing. The answer is "he's healing". As far as I can tell he's not lame on his nerved foot, so I guess that is good. I can't get on him until August 20th, so I won't really know until then if the surgery was successful. I see no reason why it wouldn't be, but you never know.

So until the 20th rolls around, it's daily trips to the barn to walk, ice, and hand graze him. Very boring. Except this week my trainer is on Kaswyn duty tonight and Friday because my parents are coming into town tonight and staying until Monday. She says she doesn't mind doing it for me, but I feel guilty. In part because I know that she is really busy and doesn't need to be taking care of my horse. But also because I feel like I should be there for my boy.

Having a horse makes me feel guilty. I feel bad when I'm at the barn and not home with Craig and the girls. On the 30 minute drive out to the barn I have plenty of time to be guilt-ridden about how I should be home with my family. I should be playing with the girls, reading to them, blowing bubbles on the front porch. Or I should be cleaning the house or making dinner. You know, all them wifey things. Because I'm just such the home-maker. HA!

As soon as I get to the barn, however, all I think about is the job at hand, whether it's riding or the current walking/icing/grazing routine. At some point I look at the clock and think "Oh crap, I gotta get out of here!". See, I could spend all day at the barn. I used to in the summer when I was a kid. It was great! No time constraints, no other commitments. I'd just call my mom to come and get me when I was done.

When I'm done at the barn nowadays I feel guilty when I leave Kaswyn. I usually put him in his stall once he's all cleaned up so I can put my stuff away. The last thing I do is go to his stall and give him an apple or carrot. He usually sees me coming with it and nickers to me when I walk up. I feed him his treat, tell him that I love him and when I'll be back out to see him, and then I walk away. Sometimes he calls out after me, which breaks my heart a little. But every time I go he hangs his head over the stall door and watches me leave the barn. It makes me sad to leave him, even though he probably doesn't miss me once I'm gone.

I also feel guilty about the amount of money I spend on my riding addiction. Recently it's been particularly bad because of Kaswyn's lamenesses and all the tests and vet visits. But that's not everything. There's also the board bill, and if I'm showing, the show fees and hotel rooms and trailering fees and on and on. And also feeling guilty for going to the shows and not being at home.

So there's guilt about leaving both my horse and my family. I know that I can't be two places at once, so I'll just have to cope with it. It's not like I'm willing to give up either my family or horse. Having a horse and riding is very therapeutic for me. It gives me a hobby, some time alone to do my own thing, and some relaxing down time.

Now if I could just eliminate the guilt and find a pot of gold, I'd be in great shape.