Day 13 was a ride on my own day. And unfortunately, Phil is often very bad to ride when he's had time off. And he stayed true to form and was kind of a jerk.
All I wanted to do was to do an easy ride where we worked on some of the stuff from our last lesson. Just a few headless snowmen, ten meter circles, and some beginning shoulder-ins. But instead it was a big fight just to get him to be steady on the bit at all. He was snarky, disagreeable, and overly sensitive. Once when I asked for the canter, he kicked out at my leg and bucked into the canter. I was shocked and hollered at him "NO!". He kinda freaked out about that and I had to spend a few minutes to get him to calm down again. I think he got the idea that kicking out and bucking at my leg was a bad idea.
Towards the end, my jaw was set, I was riding my ass off, and all I kept telling him was "Just do two trot circles in each direction that are good. JUST TWO. We both want to be done so COME ON, WORK WITH ME HERE!" He really pushed my patience, but I was able to hold it together.
Until I got him back in the barn and he would not get in the wash rack. I totally snapped. I was super pissed at him for being such a mule about the washrack, and I lost my temper. I'm not proud of it. but I hollered at him, jerked him backwards, and forced him to back into the wash rack. He had just pushed me past my point of tolerance. Usually I can keep my cool through most things, but my button? He pushed it.
I'm embarrassed about my actions, and of course in about 5 minutes I felt sorry for my behavior. But I'm not perfect, and I try my best. Sometimes it just is not good enough.
Day 14 was an actual lesson. I have video. It was pretty good, but difficult.
Amy Winehouse: Musings 3
10 hours ago